And I live with the notion That I don't need anyone but me.

Here's the part where I tell you, in the endless space of the Internet, that I lost my job at Blake's. This is the bad occurrence to level out the wonderful obtainment of my DMB tickets.
I knew it was coming, I'm not naive to the fact that it was inevitable. Yet it wasn't for the reasons that I figured it would be, but still, I don't have a job... what does it matter the reason?

I'm blindly optimistic as of now. There seem to be plenty of possibilities in the job market despite my ability to figure out what I actually need to keep me settled for more than a month or two.

I feel that I can't have a job where my personality towards coworkers is what my position relies on (oh gosh). I can't bite my tongue and I can't pretend to be happy. I'm not incredibly outgoing. I can pretend to be for a little while, but after some time I become closer to what I am. In a work atmosphere, I tend to attain the quiet wallflower personality. This doesn't go over well in most places.

Also, if I'm not thrilled I have a tendency to break the rules.

I'm not sure what that leaves me with. Perhaps an overnight position where I can complete my duties without a boss breathing over my shoulder pushing me.

GOOD LUCK, KATIE. GOOD FUCK LUCK.

Stones taught me to fly & love taught me to lie.

My mother bought us Dave Matthews Tickets..!

It's for a show on July 9th and I can't wait! From what it seems, we got decent seats. Now all I can pray for is a cement-solid ride & that he plays the songs that I've been dying to hear.

I've been thinking about THE LOSER alot lately. Of course, I realize how low I'm sinking by wanting to be with him. It's not my mind but my heart that fights for THE LOSER.

Brandon was the reason that I wanted him to be back in my life in the first place.

It's really sad when THE LOSER is a dream lover in comparison to the 4 months after-the-fact rebound guy. I mean, I should worship the statue that is THE LOSER after the horrid sex that I've had with the 2 other dudes that have been in my bed. Not reaching climax is one thing, but feeling total disgust is a totally different story.

Brandon will forever be in the reference books for the definition of a big clingy vaginal whiner.

I'm wired because of 4 + hours of ticket searching.
The only problem is that when something great happens, something equally terrible usually afflicts me in some sort of weird karmic bitch-slap.

For example: as I received my long lost wallet and immediately I found out that my paycheck was very small. It's a theme for me.

Everybody knows that almost doesn't count.

Quite a bit has happened since I last spoke to you, my dear blogger friend.

I think I mostly avoid updating here because I feel that few read these particular blog. Half the fun of writing in an online journal is the question of who might be listening in.....

I have had a boyfriend for a short time; apparently offering for him to move into my apartment on a temporary basis was the bloody death of that so-called relationship.

He's still staying with me as of this very moment, but I don't think it will last much longer. This week he paid me a whole 20 bucks for the entire month. I'm broker than broke & he's eaten all of my food while unthankfully leaving messes for me to clean up. I think I deserve more than that.

I left him a very long & very nasty letter that will likely put him over the edge. I’m far past bargaining and trying to make the best of this very bad situation. The way I see it is that I can be without money but without stress or I can be with very little money but with an intolerable amount of stress. I opt for having less money and less stress.

I was with Wwes for a millisecond, yet for some reason I mostly don't regret it. He filled an emotional canyon that desperately needed to be filled. I don't think I'm due for a refill anytime soon... so I've given up on calling him...

And the question of the hour, what of Ben? I’ve finally come to the conclusion that he's not worth all of the headaches, as strong as my irrational feelings for him are. I will love him and love him and love him, but it will never make a difference. Almost doesn't count.

As for work? I’m enjoying that I'm never penalized for the length & content of my sidebar conversations, because after Abacus, the YWCA and practically every job I've ever had, it's refreshing to have the ability to talk and say what I want. There are negatives to this, of course, in that anyone can say what they want to me and not get penalized.

I'm tired & going to bed. I wanted to check in.

CHAT WITH YOU LATER <3

Requesting some enlightenment....

I'm at sort of a queer place in my life right now. I'm hanging in some in between-ness that I can't escape. Of course, the temporary vocation of Wendy's has quite a bit to do with it.

Also, the state of my ghetto-ish little apartment.

My typewriter is on the works and that leaves me with the interesting prospect of writing.

However, I seem to be short of originality.

I'm as single as I've ever been and feeling it deeply. Sometimes it's as if I were an old spinster- past the hope of finding someone, past the desire. Other times, I feel desperate and willing to accept my fate of eventually settling with some guy that I'm not head-over-heels for.

But, who really knows?

Ben is a huge disappointment; he never falters to make me feel less than worthy, even if he doesn’t mean to. I get the funny feeling that he is either dating or interested in someone- a rather simple explanation for his distance, an explanation that makes me expectedly sad.

Why is it that I fall for the type that isn't going to fall for me, and the type that falls for me isn't the type I'm going to fall for? It's this dizzying loop.

I'm not so much wallowing in the badness of my life as much as expressing it to this sort of journal thing.

I'm relatively content in everything but my job...

When all the roads that lead us there are winding.

I've been working at Wendy's for the past couple weeks...

After the rent is due, I'm hoping to pay off some bills- more specifically the all hovering, satanic cable bill. I know I'm nuts to hope to pay everything I owe AND get my computer fixed, but a girl can hope can't she?

Ben is coming over on Wednesday. It sort of feels like a death sentence because I look horrible & I know he’s not that attracted to me to begin with, despite his suspect words.

The underlying feeling is that nothing good ever comes out of seeing him. I’m immediately happy because he hugs and kisses me... I get a little high on him, but after a week or so has passed I become intolerably depressed and lonely.

It takes me more than a month to be completely normal again.

Aw, screw it. Lately, I've just been going with the flow. Whatever that is.

Brother chaos rules all about.

I've been trying to keep my mind off of all of the aspects of my life that could quite possibly depress the hell out of me. Although, last night, I almost broke down completely for a seemingly stupid reason. 'Lost' wasn't playing on WMUR because of the UNH vs. Dartmouth hockey game (at the Verizon of all places) and I couldn't get the alternative channel to come in. That show is about the only thing that I have to look forward to in my life right now. I don't have any real friend or boyfriend or cable or internet. Television used to be my Prozac, now it aggravates the hell out of me... except on Wednesday nights at 8pm.

In the year 2005 I resolve to: Fart in public. Get your resolution here.

I don't understand the best, And cannot speak for all the rest.

I have come to some conclusions and one decision this week.

CONCLUSION #1

In all of my relationships, whether complicated or simple, I come in as second best to the selfish person on the other side.

My friends seem to have someone more important to hang out with and never give in balance to what they take. At work, all but one person will talk to me only if nobody else is around. In one impossible relationship, I find out that he’d been cheating on me the entire time that he had ployed me into bed with him. In one possibly impossible relationship, he throws me scraps only to snatch them away a moment later.

Even if the sacrifice seems high, I cannot be involved in relationships that are not balanced. I feel that these “friendships” (etc) exist because I have allowed them.

CONCLUSION #2

Such unnamed folks are holding me back from finding love and success.

If I can cut all ties from the selfish creeps that have pushed me past my limit, maybe I can have more meaningful relationships. I can have friends that treat me like an equal. Maybe I can have lovers that love me for all that I am, and not what they want me to be.

DECISION

I’m not going to allow these negative people into my life anymore. They don’t deserve me, and as long as I keep that in mind, I can have goals and move toward them. I won’t feel like the label of “friend” (or otherwise) is a fake one.

I’m going to pounce on all positive opportunities, and pull the weeds out of my life by the root.

This sounds like the beginning of a theme song & if I was any good as a song writer, it would be on a sitcom right now.

Breaking the Habit.

It turns out that after all of the bull that I have been put through, that THE LOSER has been cheating on me likely since I started seeing him again. He showed up at my door sometime around September, and I haven't seen him for well over a month. I haven't been keeping track so I can't say exactly how long it really has been.

Believe it or not, this revelation is somewhat of a relief for me.

Every time the thought crosses my mind that THE LOSER might show up at my door expecting sex from me, I've dreaded it like an axe resting inches above my neck.

Mostly, I've dreaded making the final decision to kick him to the curb; not because I don't want to, but because he has the power to make me change my mind out of guilt or just plain loneliness.

I can't exactly feel guilty if he's been screwing around on me and treating me like his second-rate whore, can I? Finding this out has given me the power to say goodbye once more with a feeling.

It's not even that hard of a lesson learned. If I happen to be intolerably lonely in the future I now know that the person to turn to is not my ex with more strikes against him than Jose Hernandez. It wasn't as if I received any sort of pleasure or fulfillment from him. I've just felt completely dirty and used.

Good news.

I got a kitten, and I think I've decided to name her Lula, from 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'.

Audrey Hepburn's character's real name was Lula May. When she moved from her southern farm to NY, she changed it to Holly Golightly.

I went with naming her after Audrey Hepburn's part in 'Breakfast' because it's symbolic of my own feelings of love, loss, discomfort, and disassociation. I was between Holly and Lula; Holly just didn't click with her look- and she didn't seem to take to it.

This event seems to be putting a miniature band aid on the major problems at hand. A money disaster sits at the very front line of my current situation. I can't make rent for the first of the month-- not even close. I'm righteously scared out of my mind.

Secondly, this loneliness thing is eating a hole in my little heart. I'm glad I'm not arguing with someone on top of all of my other problems, which is essentially what my past relationships have been equivocal to. At the same time, it would be nice to have someone to talk to at night and to FEEL. Laying in bed all alone... sucks... my new kitten is the ONLY reason why I have any want to go home in the evenings. Well, Lula and 'Lost' on Wednesday nights.

So... what about Ben?

Basically, I'm hoping that I can just convince myself to forget about him. One problem; I have all of his 'Terminator' DVDs. That means he has to come and pick them up at some point. Alex, at work, seems to be trying really hard to talk to me but I've been acting like I loathe him. In a way, I do. It’s not so much about loathing him but guys in general. Can you blame me? If one isn't screwing me over, the other is breaking my heart. It doesn't exactly set me up to be open for a healthy relationship.

I know now that I have a crush on Chris Dauphin (at work, also) cause he's a fellow Dave Matthews loving geek which is surprisingly difficult to find - that has a girlfriend. More than anything, I can talk to him about our shared passion, but that's all he'll talk to me about. I got the 'I've-got-a-chick' vibe from him, so when I was informed by the all-knowing all-whining Erin I wasn't falling out of my rolly seat or anything.

I just checked my schedule and Monday I'm working a full shift with Alex and it seems like a funny coincidence. I highly doubt Trish would have been the one set me up to work with him, but who knows. I never work that shift and he always works that shift... Ah, well. I just get nervous that he's going to ask me out when I work with him. He’s such a bore.

I drew this at work.

The future is no place to place your better days.

I'm not entirely sure what happened with BAD IDEA the other night, and if anything happened at all. I feel a sort of disconnection from the situation.

To summarize, it was very physical. I'm in fear that he's lonely, and that's all this is. That it's all this ever will be.

Since the time I spent with BAD IDEA, it's all I can think about.

I fear that if I talk about him to my poor friend that some sort of episode will occur similar to the movie DEATH BECOMES HER when Goldie Hawn was in the mental institution.

In the scene, Goldie's character was obsessed with this person, during group therapy the psychiatrist asked what was on her mind and when she began to repeat what she had always said, the group broke out in screams of horror.

I feel like if I say BAD IDEA one more time to Jen, she might fall to the ground and pull her hair out howling or something. I talk about him way too much. I even get a little paranoid that I’m blogging too much about him, too.

My Christmas sucked but my Christmas Eve rocked-- I spent it with my mother. She played her guitar and sang, something that she's shy about doing for people.

We solidified plans to take a trip to Boston at some point. She'll show me her view of the city *SHOPPING AND DRINKING* and I'll show her mine *THE MUSEUM OF FINE ARTS & THE ROCKIN' T SYSTEM MANCH SHOULD TAKE POINTERS FROM*.

I was able to buy a Dave Matthews 'Live at Lutherin College" double CD and the third season of "Aqua Teen Huger Force" on DVD.

If my computer can be fixed within the century, I will be able to delete alot of my episodes to free up some space.

I have realized today that I am not going to make rent, so I am going to go down to the welfare office and try to get emergency housing assistance. I am terrified.

This experience will hopefully push me to get a new job that will guarentee full-time hours and at least 10 dollars an hour pay. It's the only way I will survive through this.

And after all, you're my Wonderwall.

Life... sucks. I'm working at Macy's beginning at 6am Saturday & 8am Sunday. I don't know how I'm going to survive the next couple of weeks while I'm lonely as hell and missing.. BLAH.. BAD IDEA.

At this point, I'm even sort of missing THE LOSER.

I think it's more of a need for physical contact from a guy. I don't need sex. I'm satisfied when BAD IDEA hugs & kisses me... if that's something I could have every day for the rest of my life, I could go without sex completely

I have to tell myself again and again that BAD IDEA just has not reached adult status. He doesn't know what he wants and, obviously, neither do I. He's probably going to be dead by the time he has reached maturity.

Why do I like him so much? Is it because he's the crush that has been only partially fulfilled? Could it be that he's sort of off limits in my brain, and therefore more attractive to me?

I don't think so. If such things were true, I could shake him off like a bad habit. Whenever I catch myself talking about him to Jen and chastise myself, she's quick to agree that I'm in love with him. It's as if she has seen through a simple reiteration of a conversation for what it really is- keeping him in my mind.

It seems like if I let him go from my thoughts, I would lose the small piece of him that he has given me.

When the truth is... he's given me nothing.

I can get over BAD IDEA, don't get me wrong. I can find men that make me somewhat happy in one way or another, but he will always be in the back burner of my mind, lightly simmering away somewhere.

If I were to die, I swear to god, and there was some real version of "Vanilla Sky", I would want to live out my fantasy of him. Not Brad Pitt or Chris Pontius or Mr. Czyz or Joshua Jackson.. just BAD IDEA. That must be crazy talk.

I often wonder if he has an idea of how much he means to me. I have no idea what I mean to him. He has said that he loves me and misses me. But how much? Is it even the truth?

I had to go off in that tangent because each time that I go online I say to myself

"Katie, you don't care whether or not Bad Idea is online. You don't need to talk to him. That's NOT why you're online."

Yet I always look, and a part of me hurts when he's not there... and a part of me is happy when he is.

When everybody loves me, I will never be lonely.

***I'M TRYING OUT THIS BLOGGER BECAUSE THE TEMPLATES ROCK MY SOCKS!****

I have so many endless rants that I think I can actually pull off having two online journals... and really- I can just cut n' paste. That's cheap, huh? I know.

I've been walking like a nut case and it's finally starting to pay off. Good deal.

The other day, like an idiot, I went to the mall and got stranded. I humiliated myself by calling BAD IDEA & pretty much everyone else I know to try to get a ride home.

Eventually, I gave up and decided to walk the undesirable distance in the pouring rain. A random guy offered me a ride and I accepted mostly because I was just too exhausted not to. He could have been an axe murderer and I wouldn't have fought him too much, that's how tired I was...
(DE JA VOU- see a later Myspace post- DMB Concert July 2006).

It's obvious that this guy of random kindness, Jake, would've done just about anything for me. He bought me food, booze, and cigarettes... I hung out with him to show appreciation. I am having second thoughts about chillin' with him a second time because I wouldn't touch him if he paid me sick wads of cash, and I don't want to have to tell him that in even the nicest possible manner.

It's amazing how quickly I can kick myself in and out of the missing on BAD IDEA jive. I'm glad I haven't seen him lately because already I'm starting to get over it. It's taken me years to get over THE LOSER, and the status of that is still somewhat questionable.

I need a new job, rediculously bad.

Strangely enough, I am continually edging towards working in a grocery store again. I loved my short stint a cashier/bagger at Shop N' Save (Hannafords). It paid more than my current job, and there was an immense amount of independence in comparison. I only ran the register when they needed me, bagged every once in awhile & practically lived outside pushing the carts. I listened to my headphones all day & night... sometimes friends would come and chat with me.

There wasn't anyone leaning over my shoulder most of the time. I could zone out and it was good for me.

If I could do that again, I think I would be happier.

We'll see what my vocational future will bring.

Oh, Katie, if you only knew.