I have done wrong, but what I did I thought needed to be done, I swear.

Trust me, the dish I'm speaking of is one you do not want to eat.

I've been thinking about CHICKEN CARBONARA and wondering why she's gotten under my skin so much that I find myself debating the issue in my head and coming to a deadlock.

It isn't because I thoroughly enjoyed her company, I didn't. Don't get me wrong, she's an alright person. The things we did were mostly mundane and sometimes outright boring, but I never found myself needing to escape with all limbs intact.

My insides aren't melting because of the whopping seven dollars I owe her, even if she's been treating it like seventy dollars. If it bothered me that much, I'd just give it to her instead of holding it out for principles sake (not to mention my own pride mixed with a final attempt to piss her off).

Even though the morning rides helped me save money and precious time getting to work, I've found that the bus has been coming according to the schedule. In the end, a measly ten dollars a week is worth my personal freedom.

Why is the whole situation bugging me? Part of me believes it's because I see her and JASMELLY BITCH glaring at me all day long, but I know that isn't it either.

It's because when CHICKEN CARBONARA told me all of the things that she'd come to the conclusion were bad about me, I sat silently and agreed. I allowed her to steamroll me without any sort of argument to the latter. For what, her friendship? Her friendship had no value to me. I'm the most defensive person out there and I practically said nothing in my own defense.

She was demanding that I change my personality for the sake of keeping her company and she knew damn well I wasn't going to do that. She stood securely and told me all of the things that annoyed her about me as if she was my mother and I owed it to her to listen. She gave me rides, little things here and there, but I didn't owe her much more than a thank you for it. I never asked her for any of the little things she offered and maybe it isn't justification for not giving back as much as she gave, but it didn't give her the right to become my executioner.

I didn't kill her dog, I didn't steal her wallet and I didn't clot her toilet full of shit. Maybe I was inconsiderate and I admit as such, but I've been treated like the most disrespectful person in the course of history. This is all for things like saying that she was an "unreliable ride", words that were taken way out of context.

CHICKEN CARBONARA was intolerably angry for me smoking cigarettes that she'd offered day in and day out after I told her I wasn't buying my own for reasons I made clear.

When she originally reamed me out, she'd actually said in the exact words that I never had anything nice to say EVER and that statement was overdramatic. If you talk to me and only listen to the negative words, it's going to seem like all I ever say are bad things. I said nice things when I was around her on a decent basis to try and ease her insecurities, but I also didn't hold back most of my negative thoughts. It isn't 50/50 with me, probably more like 70/30, but certainly not close to 100%. I'm no suzy cupcake, I'm Katie and I intend to stay that way.

I could discuss with this journal all of things that bugged me about her but it would only suit to ease my aggravation and I've voiced some of it previously. I could send her a nasty email or note but I know she'd look at it as 'getting her back' with of course the chance she could pass it on to my boss or something.
Normally I can be pretty vengeful, but I'd like to think I've grown out of that kind of thing. My maturity isn't what it should be but as always, I'm a work in progress. This could be an exercise in how far I've come since sinking to the level of my old roommate, but I know that would mean paying the bitch back her seven bucks.

SEVEN WHOLE DOLLARS, right? It has more to do with a sort of admitting my own guilt and giving in to her. It's my final act of bowing down and after having done so much of it in this situation, I can't bare the thought of it again. In a way I'm guilty, but really of minor infractions and not disguising my personality. Maybe it's the last infraction I'll allow and leave it at that because she's going to act like I tore open her life and spit acid in it whether or not I give her the money. It's just like my job, it doesn't matter if I'm ten minutes late or an hour late, they're going to treat me the same way. So why not take my time? Why come in at all, if I've already burned down that bridge?