I'll become what you became to me.

4.28.2006
12:38 pm

I've been sitting near the pond, allowing my thoughts to flow through my head, and I realized some things.

I'm still angry with him and I may always be.
I may always see him as two sides of the same coin.

The side my mind wanders to initially is the one that loves him unconditionally. I love how he made me laugh, how he had a greater perception than most, how he seemed to care about whether or not I cared. I love the way he knew me, even if it was the me he eventually created.

There is the side that I hate. He's so stuck in his mental problems that he can't spend a moment in his life being happy. I hate that he punishes himself for the horrible things that he has done, but doesn't prevent them from occurring again. I hate that he asked more of me than I had to give, but refused to help me.

He broke me down. Everything I said was idiotic, nothing I did was ever good enough. He was punishing me for the way I treated him when I was 16 years old. He continually beat it into my mind that I wasn't capable of standing on my own, and I became a person that couldn't stand on my own. Once I reached that point, he left me.

I built my life from the ground up. I failed and failed and failed, but I became someone that didn't need him.

I don't need him. He can still spark anger in me, but I can walk away without tears or regrets.
I can call him an asshole and walk away.
In that respect, I've grown, and I couldn't be happier.