A long way from that fool’s mistake…

And on I go, yet again, with my vocational question mark. Ready, set, go.

I’ve officially applied to one of the open positions in General Customer Service. Whether I end up as a full time badge-sporting employee in Medicare or downstairs is of no consequence to me, the point is to drop the label of Temp.

I’m in the midst of hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.

It’s as if there is a thunderous rain cloud hanging over me each time I apply for a position in this godforsaken place, and because of that cloud I can see the sun but I can never get to it.

After having attempted at 5 or so positions in just under a years time here, I’m beginning to think that there is no sun at all. I work in an insurance company and I don’t have insurance, nor access to any of the things so readily available to 90 % of the people in this building.

If I go downstairs, I’ll have sampled almost every floor in the building and if the same story follows me there then I can only deduct that the fault must be my own.

The vibe that I’ve been getting is that I’m good enough to keep around because for the most part, my work ethic is decent. I don’t call in and if I’m late, it’s only by a few minutes. My saving grace in Medicare, I tend to believe, has got to be that I’m good on the phones. I sit within easy listening range of the BIG BOSS and I’ve never heard a criticism, however she has flocked to the cubicles of others nearby.

The big question at hand is what do I want?

I’m not going to figure out where I belong in this building until I can work out the ultimate question. I’m pretty sure of the basics of what I want but I’m not as sure on the specifics. This is my current brainstorm:

The basics: security, health insurance, steady/reliable money, tolerable work, benefits such as PTO & 401k, support for other interests and maybe a kid ***in the future (should it happen purposefully or accidentally).

The particulars: an occasional feeling of accomplishment, use of my brain attached to my big mouth, a sense of inclusion, ability to buy nice things, going to the doctor without worrying if they’re trying to jip services because they know they’re going to have to send a lawyer after me in years to come to get their money… etc…

I feel like I could receive all of these things if I was working in my department on a permanent basis. In fact, I’ve been feeling a little guilty about having applied in another department at all, considering my status of current. But, what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed sit around, feeling insulted, waiting for them to invite me to their class? How can I go through the painful bitch-slap of rejection AGAIN without first looking for a place that doesn’t make it ten times harder on me than anyone else?

The answer is that I’ve got to try to get in, even if it means leaving a place I’m starting to make significant progress in. I’ve still been getting the same bad news vibes from the BIG BOSS, so I’m not placing all of my chips on her- no way, no how.