Life... sucks. I'm working at Macy's beginning at 6am Saturday & 8am Sunday. I don't know how I'm going to survive the next couple of weeks while I'm lonely as hell and missing.. BLAH.. BAD IDEA.
At this point, I'm even sort of missing THE LOSER.
At this point, I'm even sort of missing THE LOSER.
I think it's more of a need for physical contact from a guy. I don't need sex. I'm satisfied when BAD IDEA hugs & kisses me... if that's something I could have every day for the rest of my life, I could go without sex completely
I have to tell myself again and again that BAD IDEA just has not reached adult status. He doesn't know what he wants and, obviously, neither do I. He's probably going to be dead by the time he has reached maturity.
Why do I like him so much? Is it because he's the crush that has been only partially fulfilled? Could it be that he's sort of off limits in my brain, and therefore more attractive to me?
I don't think so. If such things were true, I could shake him off like a bad habit. Whenever I catch myself talking about him to Jen and chastise myself, she's quick to agree that I'm in love with him. It's as if she has seen through a simple reiteration of a conversation for what it really is- keeping him in my mind.
It seems like if I let him go from my thoughts, I would lose the small piece of him that he has given me.
I don't think so. If such things were true, I could shake him off like a bad habit. Whenever I catch myself talking about him to Jen and chastise myself, she's quick to agree that I'm in love with him. It's as if she has seen through a simple reiteration of a conversation for what it really is- keeping him in my mind.
It seems like if I let him go from my thoughts, I would lose the small piece of him that he has given me.
When the truth is... he's given me nothing.
I can get over BAD IDEA, don't get me wrong. I can find men that make me somewhat happy in one way or another, but he will always be in the back burner of my mind, lightly simmering away somewhere.
If I were to die, I swear to god, and there was some real version of "Vanilla Sky", I would want to live out my fantasy of him. Not Brad Pitt or Chris Pontius or Mr. Czyz or Joshua Jackson.. just BAD IDEA. That must be crazy talk.
I often wonder if he has an idea of how much he means to me. I have no idea what I mean to him. He has said that he loves me and misses me. But how much? Is it even the truth?
I had to go off in that tangent because each time that I go online I say to myself
"Katie, you don't care whether or not Bad Idea is online. You don't need to talk to him. That's NOT why you're online."
Yet I always look, and a part of me hurts when he's not there... and a part of me is happy when he is.
Yet I always look, and a part of me hurts when he's not there... and a part of me is happy when he is.
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