Breaking the Habit.

It turns out that after all of the bull that I have been put through, that THE LOSER has been cheating on me likely since I started seeing him again. He showed up at my door sometime around September, and I haven't seen him for well over a month. I haven't been keeping track so I can't say exactly how long it really has been.

Believe it or not, this revelation is somewhat of a relief for me.

Every time the thought crosses my mind that THE LOSER might show up at my door expecting sex from me, I've dreaded it like an axe resting inches above my neck.

Mostly, I've dreaded making the final decision to kick him to the curb; not because I don't want to, but because he has the power to make me change my mind out of guilt or just plain loneliness.

I can't exactly feel guilty if he's been screwing around on me and treating me like his second-rate whore, can I? Finding this out has given me the power to say goodbye once more with a feeling.

It's not even that hard of a lesson learned. If I happen to be intolerably lonely in the future I now know that the person to turn to is not my ex with more strikes against him than Jose Hernandez. It wasn't as if I received any sort of pleasure or fulfillment from him. I've just felt completely dirty and used.

Good news.

I got a kitten, and I think I've decided to name her Lula, from 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'.

Audrey Hepburn's character's real name was Lula May. When she moved from her southern farm to NY, she changed it to Holly Golightly.

I went with naming her after Audrey Hepburn's part in 'Breakfast' because it's symbolic of my own feelings of love, loss, discomfort, and disassociation. I was between Holly and Lula; Holly just didn't click with her look- and she didn't seem to take to it.

This event seems to be putting a miniature band aid on the major problems at hand. A money disaster sits at the very front line of my current situation. I can't make rent for the first of the month-- not even close. I'm righteously scared out of my mind.

Secondly, this loneliness thing is eating a hole in my little heart. I'm glad I'm not arguing with someone on top of all of my other problems, which is essentially what my past relationships have been equivocal to. At the same time, it would be nice to have someone to talk to at night and to FEEL. Laying in bed all alone... sucks... my new kitten is the ONLY reason why I have any want to go home in the evenings. Well, Lula and 'Lost' on Wednesday nights.

So... what about Ben?

Basically, I'm hoping that I can just convince myself to forget about him. One problem; I have all of his 'Terminator' DVDs. That means he has to come and pick them up at some point. Alex, at work, seems to be trying really hard to talk to me but I've been acting like I loathe him. In a way, I do. It’s not so much about loathing him but guys in general. Can you blame me? If one isn't screwing me over, the other is breaking my heart. It doesn't exactly set me up to be open for a healthy relationship.

I know now that I have a crush on Chris Dauphin (at work, also) cause he's a fellow Dave Matthews loving geek which is surprisingly difficult to find - that has a girlfriend. More than anything, I can talk to him about our shared passion, but that's all he'll talk to me about. I got the 'I've-got-a-chick' vibe from him, so when I was informed by the all-knowing all-whining Erin I wasn't falling out of my rolly seat or anything.

I just checked my schedule and Monday I'm working a full shift with Alex and it seems like a funny coincidence. I highly doubt Trish would have been the one set me up to work with him, but who knows. I never work that shift and he always works that shift... Ah, well. I just get nervous that he's going to ask me out when I work with him. He’s such a bore.