I've been working at Wendy's for the past couple weeks...
After the rent is due, I'm hoping to pay off some bills- more specifically the all hovering, satanic cable bill. I know I'm nuts to hope to pay everything I owe AND get my computer fixed, but a girl can hope can't she?
Ben is coming over on Wednesday. It sort of feels like a death sentence because I look horrible & I know he’s not that attracted to me to begin with, despite his suspect words.
The underlying feeling is that nothing good ever comes out of seeing him. I’m immediately happy because he hugs and kisses me... I get a little high on him, but after a week or so has passed I become intolerably depressed and lonely.
It takes me more than a month to be completely normal again.
Aw, screw it. Lately, I've just been going with the flow. Whatever that is.
1.13.2005
Brother chaos rules all about.
I've been trying to keep my mind off of all of the aspects of my life that could quite possibly depress the hell out of me. Although, last night, I almost broke down completely for a seemingly stupid reason. 'Lost' wasn't playing on WMUR because of the UNH vs. Dartmouth hockey game (at the Verizon of all places) and I couldn't get the alternative channel to come in. That show is about the only thing that I have to look forward to in my life right now. I don't have any real friend or boyfriend or cable or internet. Television used to be my Prozac, now it aggravates the hell out of me... except on Wednesday nights at 8pm.
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1.01.2005
I don't understand the best,
And cannot speak for all the rest.
I have come to some conclusions and one decision this week.
CONCLUSION #1
In all of my relationships, whether complicated or simple, I come in as second best to the selfish person on the other side.
My friends seem to have someone more important to hang out with and never give in balance to what they take. At work, all but one person will talk to me only if nobody else is around. In one impossible relationship, I find out that he’d been cheating on me the entire time that he had ployed me into bed with him. In one possibly impossible relationship, he throws me scraps only to snatch them away a moment later.
Even if the sacrifice seems high, I cannot be involved in relationships that are not balanced. I feel that these “friendships” (etc) exist because I have allowed them.
CONCLUSION #2
Such unnamed folks are holding me back from finding love and success.
If I can cut all ties from the selfish creeps that have pushed me past my limit, maybe I can have more meaningful relationships. I can have friends that treat me like an equal. Maybe I can have lovers that love me for all that I am, and not what they want me to be.
DECISION
I’m not going to allow these negative people into my life anymore. They don’t deserve me, and as long as I keep that in mind, I can have goals and move toward them. I won’t feel like the label of “friend” (or otherwise) is a fake one.
I’m going to pounce on all positive opportunities, and pull the weeds out of my life by the root.
This sounds like the beginning of a theme song & if I was any good as a song writer, it would be on a sitcom right now.
CONCLUSION #1
In all of my relationships, whether complicated or simple, I come in as second best to the selfish person on the other side.
My friends seem to have someone more important to hang out with and never give in balance to what they take. At work, all but one person will talk to me only if nobody else is around. In one impossible relationship, I find out that he’d been cheating on me the entire time that he had ployed me into bed with him. In one possibly impossible relationship, he throws me scraps only to snatch them away a moment later.
Even if the sacrifice seems high, I cannot be involved in relationships that are not balanced. I feel that these “friendships” (etc) exist because I have allowed them.
CONCLUSION #2
Such unnamed folks are holding me back from finding love and success.
If I can cut all ties from the selfish creeps that have pushed me past my limit, maybe I can have more meaningful relationships. I can have friends that treat me like an equal. Maybe I can have lovers that love me for all that I am, and not what they want me to be.
DECISION
I’m not going to allow these negative people into my life anymore. They don’t deserve me, and as long as I keep that in mind, I can have goals and move toward them. I won’t feel like the label of “friend” (or otherwise) is a fake one.
I’m going to pounce on all positive opportunities, and pull the weeds out of my life by the root.
This sounds like the beginning of a theme song & if I was any good as a song writer, it would be on a sitcom right now.
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