I haven't been writing in any blogs because I've been a little down on myself. I had placed all of my chips on a job that didn't pan out, and likely was never meant to. In working for one insurance company, invariably there will be speak of others. I'd heard many negatives about Oxford, but the pay was suitable and it was a job. When they gave me the go ahead, I didn't know that the hardest part was not over.

You see, I had applied to Oxford and after passing the test and making it through a mentally exhausting interview, I was exstatic to find out that I'd landed it. I gave my temporary agency two weeks notice and turned down all of the calls I recieved for interviews.

I'd even passed the test for Public Service of New Hampshire, so I had a backup job AND a possibility of the JACKPOT job. It seemed like there was nothing left to do but wait for everything to fall into place.

Oxford began calling me every day for a week scrutinizing my application. I had been given it immediately after a difficult test and hadn't had anything to reference, so I filled it out on nerves and memory alone. I've had about eight jobs in the past two years, and anyone with my background would have a difficult time filling out that kind of paperwork without something to back it up. I wrote in one job that I'd been there starting February 2006 through January 2006. I mean, c'mon, that's not even chronologically possible.

They told me the following Monday that I would be eligible to reapply in 6 months. Jesus, I hope by then I won't need to.

I was out on my ass with Oxford, and my assignment with Kelly ended with nothing lined up afterwards. I have been out of work going on two weeks now, and it's more than depressing... it's excrutiating. I interviewed with PSNH and am sitting on that like someone who went 'all in' on a pair of 2's.

I have hit up every Temp agency in the greater Hillsborough County and it seems that they're drooling all over me. After I complete my interview, it's like they just hit a jackpot and I was somehow it. The problem is that I don't want to be a temp anymore. The money is good, but the job security is as heavy as the label.

Today, I received an e-mail to give me an online evaluation for, of ALL places, Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield. I applied for the general Customer Service position over a month ago and haven't heard a word until today. As anyone in my position would think, I figured that it would be my final sad attempt at a permanent position in that building.

I could end up with an interview, who knows, a job... but my feelings are mixed. I can't hate Anthem because in a year and a half of work, it changed my resume from toilet paper to gold-plated toilet paper. A couple of years in the CSR position and I could be more marketable that I'd ever imagined.

The truth is, I want the job for the damned grill with the damned Anthem emblem on it. I want to sit in the auditorium during the New Employee Orientation and listen to them talk about my benefits. I want to walk into the cafeteria with pride, knowing that despite the fact that I couldn't "fit in" with this person or that person, I could make it work in a place that didn't seem to want me. I know too much about the way Anthem insurance works to let it all go down the drain, when it makes more sense for me to learn more about it and use it.

The situation is very much like the one a man I babysit for has gone through. He worked under the table for an entire year and never got paid. I asked him,

"Galen, why do you go in every single day, even if you know you probably won't get anything?"

"Because everyday that passes could be the day I do get paid. I can't walk away from that."