You might try saving yourself.

This month is going to turn out to be a struggle.

I have my extensive $$ problems and those of my aunt. I won't delve into the reasons for this because they're a tad personal, but the situation feels a lot worse than it really is. It's only money, right? Just paper currency that measures only how much stuff you can get. As long as this job pans out, I'll have plenty in the weeks to come. I won't be rolling in it, but I'll be back to comfortable.

I'm building up the positive feelings for returning to Anthem school. I'll be learning a rediculous amount of insurance related information, but I rather enjoy the idea. There's a little sadistic part of me that loves a class that pushes me nearly over the edge. It may be because I don't challenge myself, so it's a forceful push that I crave. It may be because of that wonderful feeling that I get at the completion of it, knowing that I did what had felt impossible.

I feel like I should be a helluva lot more excited than I am. I got the job I would have salivated over months ago. In fact, all of the Katie's from the past would be screaming with joy over it. I will be making 12.50 an hour, a salary more than hefty in comparison to what Manchester has ever offered me... full time with nearly the best benefits... the building has a gym I will now have access to... a full service cafeteria (pricey but convenient)... a gorgeous lake I love sitting at during the good weather... and it's the telephone CSR I've yearned for since working for Abacus.

It has to do with the fear that I'll screw it up. For god sakes, I should have SCREW UP listed somewhere on my birth certificate. I'm my father's daughter, and I've always felt like I'm the Midas that turns all good opportunities to dung. Every day is a battle with my actions and reactions. I have learned from all of my errors, but at this point I think I've learned a little too much.

To end this on some kind of positive note, I've got nowhere else to go but up, up, up.

I thought I saw the world shine.....