Do it with a heart wide open.

My aunt has talked about her take on Arizona for years, and now that my sojourn has come to a close, I have my own opinions. While I have found a natural kind of love for my own home of New Hampshire, there is definitely something special about the vast, sun bleached desert. As with any place that has been viewed in photos but not experienced, I had certain expectations of Arizona. I left with a very different idea of the landscape and what it had to offer.

First of all, it was very diverse. My mind's eye saw typical sand dunes, cactus and bone-dry landscape of every movie set in the mid-west. While this was one aspect of Arizona, it was just the beginning.

The "main drags" in Tuscon certainly consisted of everything I had intuited; dirty brown rust on just about every plant, animal and building in view, with an over abundance of southern based fast food restaurants and Mexican eateries stacked on top of Walmarts, K Marts and such. But just outside of the cities and suburbs there was immense beauty, all different kinds of beauty.



On the very outskirts of Tuscon is an outdoor museum with several names; more widely known as the Arizona-Senora Museum or simply, the Desert Museum. The ride to it was amazing as we drove down a deep winding road into vast green hills that were actually reminiscent of some huge European valley. I felt like running through it singing "The hills are alive!", but not for fear of being spanked by the surprise tiny cacti that hide among the bushes.

I was forced to push my aunt around in a manual wheelchair, since all of their electric chairs were charging. I can't say I got the best possible experience of it because I was throwing her up and down the hills with the sun beating on my reddened skull. Also, it was a combination museum, botanical garden and zoo, and the first exhibit was a pair of cougars.

Mountain lions are grossly abundant in Arizona outside of the cage, something I had experienced when on a nature tour I was on shortly before the Desert Museum visit. We were riding around Safari-like and there were dozens of big red evil signs screaming [[HIGH MOUNTAIN LION ACTIVITY]] which I read as [[DON'T GET OUT OF THAT THING TO TAKE A PICTURE OR THEY WILL EAT YOU ALIVE]]. Really, that wasn't far from the truth based on the neon green papers they handed out that explained how there were cougars coming out in the day and actually stalking people. Stalking.

So, when I walked up to the mountain lion exhibit, I was a bit perturbed. The information given to me had been that it is best to look them directly in the eyes and not to lose that visual contact, lest they make you out as weak and yummy. Naturally, I stared those two up like we were about to break-dance it out. Although I was probably safe enough, I still felt like they could somehow get to me, with the knowledge that they were literally just off of the beaten path from where I slept at night.



Then there was the famed Tombstone, which seemed a little hokey to me, but had it's merits. On one hand it seemed a homogenized and touristy wild west where only maybe there were once real cowboys and showdowns. It was one long strip of shops filled with overpriced turquoise jewelery, Native American symbols and pictures; and all the cowboy hats, snake skin belts and commemorative key chains one could stomach.

Yet there did seem to be a bit of that Cowboys-and-Indians dirty dog west kind of feeling in the air. If you venture away from the glossed up version of something that was once untamed, you could almost find the feeling of it. Almost.

All in all, it was cute, and most of the time I felt like I could have had the same experience from the feau-west at Canobie Lake Park.



My diamond in the rough was a large town just past Tombstone. It has a silly name, so I automatically loved it.

Bisbee. Bis-bee.
Busy bee. Business. Bee. Bis. Bizz.
You can call me fruity if you like, but it had me at "hello".

I fell especially in love with the alley that was as if it had been cut out and shipped from some in-between place in Italy or Spain or something. Unfortunately, I had eaten about ten meals and drank a dozen or so different drinks, so I wasn't in the mood sit on the patio of the little restaurant that pulled on my heart strings.

The majority of Bisbee was littered with antique and novelty shops, specifically aimed for the out-of-state visiting type like myself. It didn't seem to be a place one could actually call home without wanting to hurl oneself off of the nearest mountain, which wouldn't be a far throw. It's literally built into one.

None the less, charming.


At the end of the day, Arizona was a great and different kind of retreat. It was in the low 80's every day, with that dry heat that the elderly seem to find irresistable. I found it a welcome change from the shit-colored snow and bizarre weather that has been changing with the days of the week. I didn't think much about work, and mostly just enjoyed the atmosphere. It was what I needed - I will never regret a moment of it.

Am I rightside up or upside down?

Alas, my week is about halfway over.

It's been nice so far, unfortunately not quite awesome. Monday brought clouds, chilly temperatures, and off-and-on rain showers. It seemed nearly as cold as a warm March day in New Hampshire.

We checked out the local Casino and played a long round of Bingo. The Casino was cute, but not impressive, the Bingo was expensive and the payout was bad. It was a bit of familiarity for me, which is something I needed with all of the foreign sights and feelings.

Everything here feels sort of half alive, dormant somehow. Most of the vegetation is dry, thorny and sick looking. Yet there are instances of life and color in between, some prehistoric looking trees and the occasional patch of wildflowers. There is always a visible backdrop of the jagged mountains, mostly because there is very little that could hide it. Sans Monday's dreariness, the sun has been intense and the warm breeze endless. It's incredibly foreign in comparison to the northeast - exactly what I've hoped for in a vacation.

We went to the Phoenix Zoo yesterday, an outdoor oasis of sorts. Of course, all of the animals that we wanted to see were given their daily sleeping pill or hiding in a far corner. I can't exactly blame them, I would keep my distance or attempt to nap through the thousands of eyes on me. Yet it was a lovely place with lots of tree cover and a very pretty pond [from afar, I definitely wouldn't want to rent one of their boats for severe fear of falling in it].

It had all of the negatives that go along with such attractions; four dollar bottles of water and six dollar hot dogs, neglectful parents who thought taking along extra children was a good idea when they can barely keep track of their own, the constant smell of wildlife poop.

We were able to check out some small shops on the ride there and back, so I was able to knock off some gift requests from my friends. We're running low on money now so we have to start becoming uber conservative with it.. at least the rental car is amazing with gas - so much so that my aunt wants to buy it immediately. The hope now is that we can go to Mexico with the people who are housing us, apparently we're a couple hours from a small fishing and touristy village with beautiful beaches and more beautiful liquor.

I say my hell is the closet I'm stuck inside.

I have officially arrived in Tuscon, Arizona with very few bumps and bruises. Emotionally, or otherwise. I do, however, feel like my bones have somehow shifted and gained weight through this process. I guess it's what people call "jetlag".

We left Boston on Sunday afternoon, around 3:45pm. I was comforted in the takeoff by the spectacular Harbor view we had. I recognized every building while we zoomed off into the clouds.

The first portion of the trip had us on a 4 or so hour flight with a stop in Dallas Fort Worth, where we hung out for about ten and a half seconds. It would have been nice to have spent some time there, from above Dallas seemed like an attractive city with a lot to work with. It had quite a bit more water than I would have expected. Maybe that's because I always think of this area of the world as dry, desolate and full of tumbleweeds.

I think that the biggest adjustment for me has been the time difference. It was only an hour change from Boston to Dallas, which was no big deal. For heck sake, we were only living an hour earlier a couple weeks ago, anyways. All I had to do was look at my clock and remove that amount of time. Simple enough.

But then we had a 2-or-so hour flight from there to Tuscon and that's when things went awry for me. How do you tell your body that's it isn't 11 o'clock at night, but actually 8pm? How do you pretend that you haven't spent 6 long hours feeling like the world's heaviest bag of bones west of the Mississipi? I know this isn't exactly an age old question, but it is to me. I've never done this before.

I mean, the clock is telling me that it's nearly 6am. I've been up for two hours, and I never-ever get up at 4am. I know that I'm still registering on Eastern Standard Time, which means that I may be going to bed really early and waking up earlier for half a week. Which is half of my vacation.

Hopefully it works itself out.

It was rainy when we got here, and actually chilly. Almost exactly like home, except the air smells different when it rains. It has a strangely sweet scent, to me a mix of mint and manuer, which was foreign enough to my brain to give it a red flag. I haven't actually seen the city, as it was so dark that the only thing that stood out to me was the bright neon sign for a strip club. Plus, I was so tired, and such a different kind of tired, that it wouldn't have mattered if it was sunny and beautiful.

I shall tell you about my days to come, dear Blog, since we have a few sources for camera and I forsee some mis-adventures ahead [did I mention I'm here with Auntie Chris? Ya].

She's gonna break free.

I'm about to leave for my very first plane on my way to Tuscon, Arizona for my weeklong sojourn in the sun. Of course, I'm pretty nervous about it.

I'm flying out of Boston on American Airlines. Everything seems to be set up the way it should.

Thought I should give you the heads up just in case I die. Cause you know. What goes up must come down & it's not always the pretty way.

This is my first real vacation. Wish me luck & fun!!

I'll be watching you.

Oh. My.

I know this may not be news to anyone in particular, but it's the sweetest internet invention I've discovered in my lifetime. It's what I call "Googlestalk" but what Google actually calls "Street view". It is awesome.

This is how it works: use Google to search for an address, as long as it is in a major city that the website has captured [mine is one of them] then you can click on the little photo, and voila! You can now virtually walk down that neighborhood and stare in people's windows like the Googlestalker you've now become. To be fair, most windows are pretty well blurred, as are license plates and other sensitive information.



Normally, I probably wouldn't think of this little tool as a stalking mechanism, but that was the first thing I ended up using it for. Let's just say I have a crush, and the crush's address is public record, so I kind of had to look. Why? I don't know. I blame it on Googlestalk. It made me do it.

What? I'm not actually going to go there. Except virtually...

I'll be in the air for 6 hours.

MySpace Countdown Clocks

On another note, my current boy obsession.

Yes, it is Shia Lebouff.





I've been watching some of his recent movies, and man that guy has grown up since his days on "Even Steven's". In fact, he's starting to pull a "Harry Potter" on me [a.k.a. o jeeze, how'd he get so sexy?! Is it legal to be thinking this?].

I can't say exactly why I've been falling so hard for Shia. Maybe it's his awkard boyishness, the puppy dog brown eyes, or the intensity he seems to put into his roles. Lately, I've become really jealous of Rihanna...

Just thought I would mention it. I'm bored, so I thought you should know.

RIP Heath

The oddest thing happened when I found out that Heath Ledger passed away; my immediate reaction was "Oh my god, not possible! This has got to be a joke!" and I began googling it to death
just to prove it. Somewhere in the back of my head were the words but he's so gorgeous... and the accent... and talented... nooooo.....

Unfortunately, I found that I was incorrect. Heath did, in fact, pass away.

I also found that I was not alone in this reaction. Everywhere I looked there were posts with the exact reaction. Shock, dismay and disbelief.

I have always been a fan of his work, especially the groundbreaking and amazing Brokeback Mountain. He was a decent actor and, obviously, one of the sexiest around. The loss of Heath is pretty big and unbelievable one. Rest in peace.

Rediculously Awsome.

Colbert could sex me up anyday.

Oh My George --> Silly Babies Galore

If your heart is no where in it I don't want you for a minute.

And I'm finally writing in my blog... 

I've attempted a few times but have just been so tired that I couldn't. I sorry.

I've been putting my full effort into my job now that I'm out of training. I moved on up and out and the craziness has mostly died down. I guess it's regular practice for most big office jobs to put you through the wringer for the first year, but I feel like I've gone through a lot. So much that I've bonded closely with a group of friends that I feel might be a lifetimes worth. Pat, Ana and Karla have become my girls, even though Pat's not with the company anymore. There's also the sweetest little gay guy on the planet, Rob, and my good-guy-but-pain-in-the-ass Dan. Tihiu's been giving me rides in the morning and she's the nicest little Mexican girl on the planet. All around good.

Now it's a matter of getting used to the daily ins and outs of the call center. It's difficult work, especially with the particular group of calls I handle. Somehow, though, I feel like I've been getting enough positive reinforcement to compensate. Plus, the monetary compensation helps, too. It's nothing extravagant, but it's money that I can live on and pay my bills on. It certainly beats where I stood a year ago, even 6 or 8 months ago, really. So I'm doing well.

Christmas is here and it's overwhelming, as usual.

My mother's side of the family has finally gone bonkers. They totally ignored my birthday, and now the big holiday is already looking a little scary. At first we were collecting at my aunt's house, but she backed out and also added the rule that we only buy presents for the "kids". Which is convenient because the only real "kids" left are her two.

For the past week, we've had no destination and the same aunt that backed out decided she doesn't want my uncle around for the day. She literally kicked him out of Christmas --> which would be fine if he was a newby to the family, but my uncle has been around since I was sucking my thumb. I feel that it's incredibly selfish and I have a hard time sitting back and acting like it's just okay when he's already shown that he's hurt by it. So.. craziness all around.

I'm looking forward to making more money and maybe having a decent job for life. All I need to do is stick to my diet [which I totally haven't in the past couple weeks], do Yoga or general exercise again, and start being the person I was happier with, the healthier Katie. Maybe I'll be in a place where I am comfortable enough with myself to meet a boy. Someday I want a family and all that stuff, and it's good to know that I may be able to help support it. But I don't plan on wearing a sign that says that.

Anyways, that's the low-down on me. I hope to keep you more updated.

I wish it were simple.

Sorry about the non-posting. The non-computer and the crazy job has kept me from doing so. I hope to be getting a PC at some point in the near future, but I'm catching up on some major bill boo-boos.

So, you're thinking that I'm held up in some basement below a crazy man about to be hooked me up to a murder machine? Well, that's true and it isn't.... at least not literally.

I've found myself in the world of See-No-Evil (etc). It's a place that feels suspiciously like some corporate version of 1984. You can't just act the way they want you to act, dress the way they want you to dress, speak the way they want you to speak, but you must also think how they want you to think. Except for the fact that our main example of professionalism is the least professional person I have ever met. If I delved into that, you're jaw would drop to the floor.

The Dystopian concept of Double Think is all around me. If you aren't familiar with the it, I Wikipedia-ed it for you:

Applied to an opponent, it means the habit of impudently claiming that black is white, in contradiction of the plain facts. Applied to a Party member, it means a loyal willingness to say that black is white when Party discipline demands this. But it means also the ability to believe that black is white, and more, to know that black is white, and to forget that one has ever believed the contrary.

There is a constant contradiction of words and actions. Sometimes it's difficult to say "Well... this is amazing money and stellar benefits, so I'll just eat this crazy medicine with a spoon full of sugar."

But, I try, none the less, and it seems like I'm actually doing okay, considering that the class is failing all around me. If I can get through this class, maybe the company will be different. Maybe they're putting us through all of this to try to break us, so that they're sure we can handle the job... Like mental boot camp. I'm just not sure that I like the process, or the processees, if you will.

Alas, I'm not doing terribly, and it's the main point that draws out my Optimism. The main thought is 'No News Is Good News' and it's what I've been ultimately working with. I haven't been given any spacific criticisms, had no grave meetings with outside bosses, and haven't seen any real discipline that wasn't dished out to the whole class. I'm trying not to lose myself too much in the process... wish me luck...

I dedicate this post to Angry Jessica.

Because it's obvious this girl needs the attention. She wrote a response post to my Top 5 WTF's (which, to refresh your memory, were blogs I found through the NextBlog option, and found myself laughing at).

"why the hell are you making fun of other people's blogs and thoughts? they don't make them for you...they make them for theirselves. if you don't like it, don't f'n read it. your blog sucks, but it doesn't matter b/c it's your own dumb mind and you have every right to be dumb and immature on your own blog. get a life."

First of all, I'm going to make the same suggestion that you have made to me. If my blog sucks so much, why are you reading it? I didn't make it exclusively for you, ANGRY JESSICA. While you have a minor point that maybe I shouldn't be making fun of other blogs, the other side of the coin is that they are public and therefor leave themselves open to scrutiny. As I have left my blog open to your angry remarks.

My favorite part of this little one sided argument you left on my blog is when you say it doesn't matter b/c it's your own dumb mind and you have every right to be dumb and immature on your own blog. Yes, that's correct, I do have a right to be "dumb" and "immature" on my own blog. But leaving a nasty message on someones blog calling them names and saying they suck is what I would title as "dumb" and "immature".

So who's calling the kettle black here?

Well, ANGRY JESSICA, it was wonderful hearing your commentary and thanks for giving me a little chuckle! Please stop by again, since my blog is public and open to your angry thoughts. I noticed you have your own blog set to private and it makes me a little curious. Since you seem to have strung together a rather large load of hypocracy and terrible grammar in just one small paragraph, I doubt it's anything worth reading.

O NO! Mo' Kitties!

I'm running into these lolcat things everywhere, and I'm beginning to fear that there are cats all over America constantly under the spotlight of a digital camera, while their owners maniacally wait for them to do something cute.

Anyways, these are my current findings. Enjoy! ♥

On a sillier note...

I saw these on ROFLcat.com, so I thought I should share them with you.

My personal favorite is Invisible Shopping Cart.

Where you are is where I belong.

SIDE NOTE

I miss (Tim) so damn much! I ask whatever God there may be... I ask with my hands raised high above my frustrated head...

Is it asking too much to see him just once?

I see other Warehouse Boys all the time.

It seems somehow terrible to me, but no men named Tom, Gustavo, Ben *or otherwise* are ever going push him out of my head... so it seems.

I feel like I'm crazy, but what if I really did walk away from the only true connection I ever had? Why do I dream about him? Why do I think about him? Why?!

Sometimes, if I'm having a bout with insomnia, I think about his smile. It makes me feel safe.

For christ sakes. I'm telling this to the 'net cause I have to say it. I've internalized this for so long. I need an outlet. I'm still in love with him. How, exactly, and why?

Where are you going?

With that long face pulling down

Don't hide away

You are like an ocean

That I can't see but I can feel

Your waves crash down...

I am no super man

Not at all

And I have no answers for you

I am no hero

Oh, and that's for sure

But I do know one thing

Where you are is where I belong.

I do know where you are is where I want to be.

Where are you going?

Where do you go?

Sometimes I find it's better to be somebody else.

Is this a Squirrel Pirate, or a Pirate Squirrel? You decide.

I've been feeling a little disassociative lately. It's all the dressing up and enthusiastic smiling and trying so darn hard to be "Focused, Commited, HUMAN FIREWALL Katie". Yes, that's right, we need to see ourselves as human firewalls. It sounds kind of like a super hero, so I'm down with it.


Here again, I'm not going to delve into the new job too much because while I'm mostly afraid of some kind of jinx... it has more to do with the sensitive nature of the vocation. You understand. I will say that I have been extremely stressed out, with much cause. All I can do is be optimistic and work hard, right? I hope. Gahd, I really really hope it's enough.


I don't have a computer yet (sad face), I happen to be at my aunts house giving both you and my Ipod a much needed update. It looks like a new PC may be on the horizon, however (happy face).


I'm also thinking about getting some kind of Iphone or Ipax so that I can completely avoid the temptation to surf at work. If it saves my bum, it just might be worth the investment... since I lack in the self-control department. You know this especially, G-masta.


Anyhoo, it will suffice to say that my life is extremely transitional at the moment, and I'm putting in my best effort. Again, wish me luck, I may even ask for prayers at this point.