I've been seeing yet another emotionally unavailable man and I feel stuck. If I move forward with this, assuming that I will have the ability to do so, I'm going to get hurt.

How do I break it off, when it's not what I want to do?
How can I be in a relationship that has no future?

I'm already budding feelings for him, despite his impression that I won't. I want to stick him in a time capsule and make every day exactly like the last. The moments that I've had with him have been beautiful, unforgettable, simple. Everything about him, every part of him, feels good to me... feels right to me. Despite the logicality to end it, I don't think I can.

So, I suppose, that when I inevitably get burned, I don't have anyone to blame but myself. He's been upfront and honest about where he stands, and as much as I wish the situation were different... it's not going to be. The truth stands that he will probably never love me. It's a reality I've had to face before becoming completely emotionally involved and I feel insane for wanting him.

But I do want him.


*UPDATE*

Last night, I sent him a couple long-winded text messages explaining that I didn't want to see him anymore. I was fully expecting an unenthused okay in response, but in this case, nada.

Of course, I do want to see him again. I want to see him a thousand times more, but it's not going to happen without the consequence of Katie getting very hurt.

I'm making the prediction true that 'I'll never love him' by not allowing myself to love him, by finding someone else.

I've been in too many bad situations that I was partly responsible for.

Wwes, Ben, Brandon...

I could have nipped those traumas in the bud.

I have to do now what I haven't been able to in the past.
I need to be a stronger Katie.

*ANOTHER EVEN MORE DEPRESSING UPDATE*

He finally responded to my texts with an unsurprising yet completely shitty answer of "I think you're right. It's best to be logical."

Oh, fuck.

At least these are all the tears I'm ever going to shed over him.

At least I can be thankful for that.

*WAY LESS DEPRESSING UPDATE*

I'm so over it.
Bring on the new man meat!

Wirefly can help.

I've been on a temp assignment at a cell phone company and I know the feeling that people get walking into a cellular store first hand. It's overwhelming to have the product sold to them by a commission driven chimpanzee. While the people at my store mostly rock, there are sales reps out there that aren't looking out for the best option for you. They may just be looking to make a quick buck, in fact, they probably are.

Maybe you want to research all of the plans and deals out there before you decide on what is best suited for you. Sure, you could Google it and spend a few hours digging through every possible company in your area, or you could try Wirefly.com.

The website has all of the best companies, phones and deals grouped together for your browsing enjoyment. You can choose to shop by the dealer, phone or plan type. There's even a promotion for a free Razor through Cingular, Sprint, Tmobile, or Verizon Wireless. Razors will set you back at least a hundred and change in the store I work at, and in all of the other companies that I've checked out.

Also, their accessories are super cheap with $2.95 shipping costs for all orders, and even cheaper if you check out the clearance section. I'm looking at a razor case & charger combo for 19.95, a hands-free earbud for 6.95 and a memory card for 15.95. Sure, we have a discount bin in my store, but it's filled with cases and chargers for outdated phones that nobody has anymore. Again, this is usually the case in all retail stores.

I recommend this website if you're unhappy with your current provider, or just want to look at what else is out there. Definitely check out Wirefly, it's easy to use, and the deals will rock your socks.



*I am being paid for this particular post through Payperpost.com

There must be some kind of way out of here, said the joker to the theif.

My work schedule is Wednesday through Saturday.

Day Off #1. Sunday.
I generally wallow, sleep and sit on my arse. Four days of standing in place for 8 hours has made my feet feel like they've gone through some sort of mashing device.

Day Off #2. Monday.
I'm itching to get out in the world and do something. Monday's are the big spending days. I've been going to the grocery store, the mall, and on one occasion, Boston. Then what do I do? Go home, sit on my arse again, watch TV shows online or chat up the Internet "people".

Day Off #3. Tuesday.
Suddenly, it's Tuesday. This is my last day of freedom, and the day that I have to do everything I've avoided in the previous two days.

Katie, get your hand off your va-j-j. It's unladylike.

My house is flippin' dirty. I need to do laundry. My house is flippin' dirty. I need to pay my landlord, which means that I'm going to take a trip to the nearest bank. And once again, my house needs a cleanin' that I haven't felt real inspiration to do.

The only thing I have wanted to do in the time I've worked this schedule is get out of my apartment or lay around in it like some kind of paraplegic. I'm never in the mood for cleaning, if anything I'm more in the mood to dirty it on down. If you know me, it doesn't sound entirely odd for Katie to procrastinate. Yet I'm starting to feel like this is more of an avoidance. It's in the same rhyme & reason that I've avoided paying my rent. I'm really getting serious about not wanting to be here.

I've been asking myself if the root of it lays in the bills & money issues, the below par work schedule, or the loneliness thing. Sure, it's a combo of all of that... but is it more? Is it Manchester? Is it life in general? Part of me is starting to think that it is.

The idea of escape hits me time and time again, but I've always placed it on the back burner. There are reasons, of course-- fear, self-consciousness, and lack of solid options. In my current status, I feel like I'd be abandoning Ashley, even though I know that she has plenty of options other than me that she might opt for when the time comes.

My next idea is going to be that I propose to Ash that we live here until my lease runs out, and then get a two bedroom in Portsmouth. When, and if, she comes to live here, I'm going to talk to her about my feelings of extreme flight versus fight ambitions.

I see you... You see me... Differently

I know saying this will likely throw me in the proverbial

NUT HOUSE IN THE SKY, but I've been really irked by something my friend constantly repeats about Dave Matthews. She calls his music "Country", and continues saying it. I know it's mostly in teasing, but it bothers me just the same.

Before I get into my rant, my readers should understand something about me. When it comes to music and idols, I love whole hearted.

Dave Matthews is MY IDOL, MY MUSICIAN, MY MESSIAH. It took a long time for me to find him, but once I fell into his music, I fell in totally. There have been times where this music has kept me from total depression, possibly points of personal annihilation. It's more than an out, it's an in. An entry back to sanity.

I've always felt that his music is damn near impossible to categorize. It's incredibly eclectic, with a mishmash of Jazz, Rock, Classical, Alternative, African Influences, and yes, probably a tiny bit of country *I'd say when there is involvement of a fiddle*.

To throw him in that tight, sometimes intolerable slot of COUNTRY is a travesty to me. The image of the recent past and present of Country music has been completely against progression. It does have admirable roots, considering that at one time it was the beating heart of our nation. But it's roots have long since been torn from the ground, with nothing left but a dead tree full of stuff that was never intended to be stored in it.

In my opinion, and you can glare at me for it, Country has slowly edged backwards into the influence of pop. Most songs today sound exactly like ones on the top 40 stations but with just a little 'twang' and a y'all here and there.

I suppose to the untrained, foreign-ish ear, anything that is in-between categorization can be hurled into the nearest, biggest slot... but MAN, did that get to me.

I've had plenty of people put down Dave, but mostly in matters of personal taste. I can't be offended by a person just not enjoying the music. That's like disliking someone because they can't stand Hawaiian style pizza, when it's your absolute favorite.

Which, by the by, you're a total freak if you don't like Hawaiin style pizza.

In this case, it was almost like a blasphemous slap in the face to his music. Sure, call him a crappy, whiny yodeler. If that's the way your ear takes it in, okay.

But don't hurl him next to the sell outs with the big white cowboy hats and sparkle clad dress shirts.

Couponchef.com

My computer is about ten seconds and a short smack in the gut from falling apart on me. I need my PC, it's an outlet for me that if lost, could drive me mad.

When I do have the money to shop for a new computer, I will definitely be using the Computers section of this website for coupons, appropriately named Couponchef.com.

My first choice for my next computer is going to be a notebook/laptop. I constantly move my apartment around and it would be a heck of a lot easier on me to consolidate.

http://www.hewlettpackard.com

I found a coupon on this website for 349$ off of an HP Pavillion Notebook with a 17" display. That clocks the little computer in at less than 900$, and it's got all of the extras. I think that's a pretty decent deal.

Also, the Couponchef site has a ton of other coupons that I'm going to check out and use. All of the deals are for well known businesses like Best Buy, Circuit City, Target, Hewlett Packard, Kodak, Dell and many others.

*I am being paid for this particular post through Payperpost.com

I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset.

I really like my job. This is a little queer to me.

It's not the job that makes the day worth it as much as it is my co-workers. They keep up with their work... and the down time is fun. Day by day, I get my laughs in on the weird ins-and-outs of the people I work with. It feels like I'm in a dirty sitcom.

They sent me to a fancy restaurant in Concord where they taught a group of us how to be better at our jobs. One of the lessons was to go to local stores and shop. Yes, that's right, they paid me to shop and eat. Most of the bene's there are fun little things, and even the annoying stuff isn't that bad.

There are the downsides, and they're almost enough to push me away.

The pay stinks and the hours aren't the greatest, but I've just received news that they'll be putting me on full time. Not only that, but a Sales Rep. position is going to open up and I'm mostly confident that I'll get it.

The "Greeter" thang is easy and without responsibility, but the money and the real job is in the sales position. Not only that, but I hate taking the back seat with the customer. It sucks the energy out of me to listen to an issue and direct it somewhere else, when I know with training I'd be more than capable of helping them. I could earn commission, because I could sell the phone.

The funny thing is that they have the "Sales Rep" title, but there isn't a whole lot of selling to it. It's a store by itself and the customers are getting assistance with items they've already decided to buy. I've watched the reps, most of them don't put much effort into their pitch, yet their commissions are pretty great.

The positive thing is that even though I'm not officially part of the group, I still feel like I'm one of them. Every day that I spent at Anthem, the employees looked at me like it was my last day in the building. They were sympathetically nice-ish yet incredibly distant and snooty.

Under the surface of all of this is a girl struggling for air. I'm worried that I'll have an eviction notice on my door or that my electricity will suddenly go kapoot. I'm tired of not having cable, and even more tired of worrying about every penny I spend.

If I can survive the next couple months, I should land on my feet. If I get a Sales position, I will eventually pay my rent in one monthly commission check and live on the bi-weeklies. Ashley'll probably join me and pay a chunk of my rent, and more importantly give me much needed company. The future may still hold some struggle in it, but when I'm at this job I feel like there is a possibility for a positive future.

If I can work at a place with people I enjoy being around, and work that I can live up to, and a pay that is lifestyle worthy (and once hired, there are health benefits), then maybe the road ahead isn't as bumpy as it looks.

The Anonymous Email

Do you have a certain someone that you need to say a certain something to?

Anonymous Email

Would you like to send that certain someone an anonymous email, one that could never be tracked back to you? It's kind of like slipping a note into a locker, or getting a bank account in the Kayman Islands. Man, I love metaphors.

Maybe you want to prank your co-worker, or reveal to a crush your undying love or perhaps you've been dying to tell off your boss. Blazow! Join this spunky little website and your privacy is protected.

Anonymous Email

Watch it as the stars disappear to nothing, when the world is over.

I bought the second season of Gray's Anatomy ((currently my favorite show EVER.)) At the end of an episode, Meredith Gray begs the question "What would you do if you knew this was your last day on Earth?"

That got my brain tickin'.
God help me when that happens.
Here's my list.

That's right, I said it.

1. Listen to every Dave Matthews song ever recorded. In fact, as I'm dying, I want it to be my soundtrack. Which song? The Stone, I guess. Or, When The World Ends might be more death appropriate. Either way, it's impossible for me to feel less than euphoric around such music. By the way, it is important to have a good death soundtrack.

Amsterdam. All the Mary-J and prostitutes I could ask for. Oh, and Rembrandt. Yes, Rembrandt.

2. Travel. I know this doesn't sound logistically possible, but I've never gone anywhere. I don't want to die without having a memory outside of New England. Also, I don't want to die in some foreign place. So maybe I'd hold up a jet pilot or something. I'm going to need a good game plan because I don't want to die in some foreign jail. This whole death thing is getting pretty complicated.

(insert holy chorus here) "Ahhh!"

3. Go to a church and try really really hard to believe in God and Heaven and all that. The Atheist in me hates this idea, but I really don't think it could hurt if I tried. My whole shpeal has been that I can't believe either for or against religion. If I'm going to die, I'll attempt the former.

Mmm. The power of cheese.

4. Rob a bank. Steal a television set, the biggest one I can find. Break into a museum and take some idiotic existential abstract piece, Mission Impossible style. I realize that if I effectively convince myself that there is a God and there is a heaven, this will immediately disqualify me. However, I've heard in some beliefs that you don't go to Hell if you apologize and mean it.
Let me just say in advance, I'm very sorry for doing this.

The better to eat you with, my dear *lobster*.

5. Eat every type of food I've never tried. These would be meals that I've always kind of wanted to test but never had the opportunity stare me in the face. Thai, Sushi, Ruben Sandwich, Lobster *the whole thing, without throwing up*, Calamari, Chocolate Covered Ants, Roasted Chestnuts, Authentic New York Pizza, and Soul Food *items like Chitlins and Pig's Feet*, etc, etc.

The thought just creeped into my head that if I eat all of those things, my autopsy is going to be pretty ghastly. It's sort of like wearing clean underwear in case of an accident. If I know I'm going to die, it's seems tacky to fill up my gut so that my undertaker has a work load to sift through. Diaretics, perhaps?!

Sooner or later we're done.

I feel so disconnected from my life.

I've been looking for a change.

I'm on the cusp of wanting to be somewhere different, doing something different.

I have a friend, Jackie, and she's been in America for 8 months. She's from Puerto Rico and has been feeling home sick. She explained that she wakes up every day and thinks "What am I doing in this place? I don't belong here."

I can relate.

Yet I don't have a 'home' anywhere but Exeter. As much as I'd love to live in that area, I can't imagine myself in that fishbowl of a town. I've thought about Portsmouth, because it's beautiful and more urban. I'd need to be a non-pedestrian and I don't quite have the means to do that.

The rent thing and the job thing is killing me. I need to work as a Telephone CSR. It's the job that makes me happy and there don't seem to be any opportunities left in Manchester.

I really like my current temp job at U.S. Cellular- the people ROCK and the work is easy and somewhat fun.

I feel like it would have been the perfect job 3 years ago.

What options do I have? The Ashley situation isn't 100 % even as her graduation and summer creeps closer, and I think I could get out of the lease I'm in. Either way, it's up in July and I could make my final decision at that point.

I don't have much past that.

I'm getting tired of living a life I feel I don't belong in. I wish I had a Puerto Rico.

Well, when Ashley possibly moves in with me come June-ish, she's going to help me get my license. After I work that out, I hope to have a game plan.

Maybe I'll choose Portsmouth, or Boston, or something else.

Only time will tell.

Have they really lost their mind? I couldn't tell you, I've lost mine.

I've been stressed out because of the job issues, so I took a mini vacation to Boston and meandered around. Everything about being in the city calmed me. It was like I was inside of Grand Theft Auto, everything looks sort of familiar but completely interesting. I don't worry about getting lost, in fact it's what I attempt to do, because no matter where I go the T will bring me back to where I started. It's like there are teleportation devices around every corner with a save point and the option to go back to the main menu.

It's pronounced BWASTIN. I asked.

Boston was wonderful, but the bus rides back and forth were literal nightmares. Inbound, I sat in front of two children that could not speak to each other with inside voices. As I was trying to read my book, all I could hear was "I LOVE HAM SANDWICHES WITHOUT MAYONNAISE CAUSE MAYONNAISE IS GROSS!" and "JEFF GORDON SUCKS! OH YEAH HE SOO DOES SUCK!". Both of them were perpetually kicking my chair and playing really loud video games. This is all while not ONE but TWO people on the bus were whistling. The man in front of me would get going with the verse, while someone in the back of the bus would continue with the hook. I have a problem with whistling. It's practically a phobia for me. I say fuck whistling.

I can almost expect the ride to Boston to be a bit more obnoxious than the ride back to Manchester. Boston is a destination, Manchester is not. Excitement can occur, especially with kiddies on the ride, and it's the beginning of a day. The bus ride back is calm and reflective. It's later, so there are very few children if any and most people are relaxing. While this is all true about the inbound bus, it was a bit more molesty than I prefer my rides to be.

I had the good luck of sitting across the aisle from a young girl that appeared to be between the age of 11 to 13, and she was comfortably sitting next to an older man in his mid-thirties to early forties. A bit too comfortably, it seemed, but not completely weird. Little by little, I saw things that put red flags up in my Katie brain.


She placed her hand too far to the crotch area of his pants... they were playing footsie in a nonchalant sort of way... they began holding hands and sitting a little too close... she fell asleep on his arm and he would occasionally rub his forehead with hers and caress her arms... he kissed her several times, and not in a "daddy loves his baby" way... when he woke her up, he placed his hand on her upper thigh and rubbed it...

When the whole thing began, it seemed like it was possible that he was a father that was too affectionate to his daughter. I'm not sick and I don't tend to think things that are drastically untrue, but I needed conformation of my speculations. I waited until they had boarded off of the bus and asked the girl sitting behind me if she had seen what I had seen. She agreed and noted that she wasn't planning to say anything, but she would back me up 100%. We approached the bus driver together, who was perplexed by the situation and immediately asked me why I hadn't approached him 'discretely' during the ride in an almost accusatory way.

First of all, it's a scary thing for anyone to witness and I didn't know if I was the only person that saw it. Secondly, if it had stopped halfway through the ride I would have doubted that something was going on and possibly recanted. It's easy for an outside party to make a person think that they saw things that weren't really there.

The bus company called the police, who then grilled me. The cop had briefly interviewed them and he stated to me that they acted "normal" and asked me if anything really bad had been going on. Okay, if a cop approaches a child molester, and asks him if he was playing hide the penis with his daughter, the molester isn't going to say "Oh, hell ya, I've had that girl six ways to Sunday!"

I had told him the story exactly as it happened, and I never said they had sex or anything, but it was still wildly inappropriate. I'm pretty sure if they had been making out or screwing, the ride really would have ended without any comment from me.

What was I supposed to do, walk away and let the incident go? She is a child a few years from puberty, and even if his actions weren't outright illegal, they were certainly reprehensible and deserve to be scrutinized. I know the chances of charges or actual reprimand are small, but the point is that it's going to get attention. They told me that the mother was on her way, and hopefully this is going to make her pay attention to the comings and goings of their relationship. Even if he hasn't slept with the kid, he should be made aware that his affection toward her is inappropriate. If it had been a boy and a girl of the same age next to me, I would have been thinking 'I know who is totally getting laid at the end of this'.

So, yeah, my vacation was like a trip to Cancun on a bus ride meant for prison.